his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
