i used baking grease as lip gloss
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
