why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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