I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
