So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
