May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
