Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
its liver damage thursday
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
