The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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