he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
