Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
