I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
