You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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