at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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