if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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