I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
