Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
