Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
