I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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