i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
