I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My vagina just recognized that song.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
