boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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