i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
