I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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