ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Randomize