Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
