Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
