Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
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I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
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I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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