In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Enjoy the penises
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
