so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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