Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
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Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?