Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
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My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything