She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.