It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
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you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
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She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.