What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.