She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
