I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
