I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
