I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
