The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
