I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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