Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This baby is an asshole
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't turn off my feet"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
