At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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