seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
