I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
