I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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