Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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