Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
