Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Is Oprah even human
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
