remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
