she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
