I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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