my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
