im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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