so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
