I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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