I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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