This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
