so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
